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Lesbians or other women in same-sex relationships tend to have the “urge to merge.”  In this process the women equate sameness with being in love.  After a period of time this can create resentment, and even anger.  Often it leads to the dreaded “Lesbian Bed Death.”

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals – each with a clearly defined sense of her own identity. Without our own understanding of self, of who we are and what makes us unique, it is difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in a way that functions smoothly and enhances each of the partners. We need a sense of self in order to clearly communicate our needs and desires to our partner. When we have a strong conception of our own identity, we can appreciate and love those qualities in our partner that make him or her a unique person. When two people come together, each with a clear definition of her own individuality, the potential for intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two people may bring them together, but their differences contribute to the growth, excitement and mystery of their relationship.

Sometimes, with the best of intentions, therapists do gay clients a disservice by treating them “like everybody else.” In doing so, they overlook the unique challenges lesbian and gays face.   They might not be “homophobic” but are they “heterocentric”?  Do they know the difference?  Do you?

I hear well-meaning therapists all the time say “couples are couples.”  Really?  Do straight couples worry about holding hands in public?   Are straight couples in different stages of coming out to their parents?  I could go on, but hopefully if you are reading this you “get it.”

All relationships aren’t the same.  While same-sex couples have many of the same challenges as heterosexual couples, they also face additional outside pressures due to homophobia that create conflict within the relationship. These issues include: family acceptance, different levels of comfort with being “out” and religious/cultural expectations.

You are paying good money to see a therapist-don’t be their guinea pig.  See a therapist who is trained in the dynamics of same sex couples.  I am a member of the Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy Association.  I regularly attend conferences and trainings on the unique struggles of the gay community.

I see gay and lesbian couples and individuals in the Burbank, Glendale, North Hollywood, and Pasadena areas.

3.  Briefly tell the prospective therapist why you are seeking therapy at this time.  Ask if they have previously treated clients presenting with your issues.  You don’t want to be a therapist’s test case.  You are paying money for an expert to help you.

2.  If you have particular cultural or religious beliefs, be open and upfront with the therapist about them in your initial phone conversation.  You are going to someone for help, not to be judged.  If a therapist isn’t comfortable with your beliefs, value system, sexual orientation, etc.  then do not feel guilted into making an appointment.  Seek another therapist!

1.  Pay attention to how you feel when speaking on the phone with the therapist.  Do you feel comfortable?  Does your gut reaction tell you that this is a therapist that you will feel comfortable talking to, will “get” you, and will be able to help you?  Therapy is about trust.  If you don’t trust your therapist you are wasting your time and money.